I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
