if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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