Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
