The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
