I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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