How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize