Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
