All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
