Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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