last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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