yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
false alarm. still invincible.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
