After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
