I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize