I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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