Pants 0. Shit 1.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize