OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
