I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
