and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
