It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
