i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
