i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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