I need to stop coming to work sober
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
