OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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