Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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