She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize