put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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