I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
