and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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