Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
