I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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