Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can't turn off my feet"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
