Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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