the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
