So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
