my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
