so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
