our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
