Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
