Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
