You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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