If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I have surprise drugs for everyone
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
