he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
