Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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