i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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