her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
