If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
