The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
