he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
