On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
