If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize