Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
