One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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