The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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