did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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