Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize