I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
