I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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